a couple of drinks later...

I am a mother. But only sort of. I feel that I am completely a mom. But I'm not. There is a real mother who is beautiful... inside and out. I feel jealousy. I feel love for her. I feel so much of both I cry. She brought me this beautiful girl. She has a love and connection with her I will never know. One that I may only understand when I have my own child. I pretend that she is my own. I wish I could have held her as a baby. I wish I could erase the jealousy and just feel love for her mom. I wish sometimes I was as beautiful as she is. I wish I could run a marathon. Most of all, I wish I were Eliza's mother. I wish I could be just her step-mom without wishing for more. But really, I just want Eliza to be happy. She could never be happy if she didn't have her beautiful Mom. Without knowing that her real Mom loves her and will always fill that special role. I know Miss Eliza loves me. I know I enrich her life. I know I'm a good mother. I know I'm beautiful. It's just that I'm not quite enough, somehow. It's just that I wish I wasn't taking her away. It's just that I wish I wasn't always referred to as the "step-mom," because I do so much more than that. I wish Eliza wasn't so torn. So happy to be with us. So at home. So stablized. So... my little girl. But actually not. Really always missing her mom. Always someone else's little girl. I console myself with how much I provide for her, how I've been with her more than her real mom for the past 4 years, how this move will help her grow and provide stability and consistency... But, I'll always wish I could give her everything. I'll always wish.