step-moms unite

{I have to add an aside, a pre-script, if you will. I found another step-mom site, Step Chicks, that is also positive and reassuring.There are some inspiring step-moms out there that are the creating and providing best possible situation for their families. Best of luck and wishes to all of you out there. I added the link at the bottom of the page under "moms."}

I Recently took some time to look at blogs and forums for step-moms. "Stepmother's Milk" is the only one I found that I really enjoy. Izzy is witty and insightful. She has the unique ability to bring step-moms together in a positive way. Part of the reason I enjoy her blog is because she is a successful and independent woman who does not use her blog to vent. She relays no hostility or jealousy of the children's real-mom. (I like to call Brigitta the "real-mom" and me the "other-mom.") A few years back this would have been like being lost at sea and finding the only buoy. At this point, it's simply enjoyable, since Brigitta and I seem to have created a positive relationship.


The other step-mom sites I found are discouraging. I stopped looking at them because they tend to become "bio-mom" bashing episodes. I was surprised at how many step-moms out there write to the world about how horrible and difficult the real-mom is. They discuss on public forums the faults and shortcomings of the mother of their step-children. They even use alienating terminology used, such as "bio-mom," with the guise of allowing for anonymity.


Perhaps it is unfair that I criticize these blogs. I was definitely there. I'm just glad that I reserved my hostile venting for my dear friends. [These friends were my salvation during the first, most difficult, years. I could not thank them enough for all of the unpleasantries that I allowed to consume our time together.] Who knows, maybe blogging these frustrations is better than pouring it onto a friend. I understand that talking about the feelings experienced as a step-mom is helpful, because I would have been institutionalized by now if I wasn't able to do that. I just feel that publishing this animosity onto a public domain is not the healthiest option. I would feel ashamed at merely the thought of the real-mom stumbling upon my blog.


Looking at these blogs reminded me of how difficult being a step-mom can be. Some of their questions and experiences are so similar to what I experienced. It's emotionally confusing to be the "other-mom." At times, you feel like you can't fully discuss your feelings with your husband, because when you do they feel guilty for creating the situation. The spouse has no way to know how it feels to come second, they are a real parent. No one, other than a fellow step-mom, knows how it feels to be incessantly compared to the "real-mom." It's difficult to have everything compared to the real-mom's perfection. You already know that you will never take the place of their mom and you are constantly reminded that you also don't measure up. Feelings of jealousy often rage inside, and knowing that your child loves you doesn't take that completely away. I love Eliza as my own, and knowing that I am not "her own" is difficult to embrace.


This is why I understand these blogs. I respect that they are trying to create a safe place to vent. There are real benefits of feeling a sense of community and having other step-moms to consult. Because as I mentioned, there is no one else that will understand your situation quite as well.


It's still unsettling to see so many women becoming trapped in a community where their anger and jealousy is nurtured and reinforced. I cannot see what benefit that has in the long run. In the end, I hope or believe that every step-mom wants to create a stable relationship with the real-mom. You are all parents of this child (or children), and maintaining a healthy relationship is the only way to ensure the best environment for the child.


It took me a long time to reach the place I am now. For the first year or so, I saw everything that Brigitta did in relation to Eliza as selfish. Everything appeared to be for her convenience. When situations would arise between her and Joe I would become defensive and angry, as if she had personally offended me. Everything was personal. Everything seemed to be about me. That may be the biggest difficulty with transitioning into a blended family. Each parenting decision made in Brigitta's home was open to attack. I loved Eliza and all of the decisions we made in our home was for her best interest, but I was failing to see that that could also be the case in her Mom's home. I failed to realize that while I was struggling with the transition into a blended family, Brigitta must have been as well. At times, she may have been selfish, I don't know. But that's exactly the point, I don't know. I can't assess whether any of her decisions were good or not. It's not even my place to do so. Maybe that's the real point. It's not my place, and as a parent we all make mistakes or decisions that no one else gets to weigh-in on. At that time especially, it was not my place to worry about parenting decisions made in her home. Even if there were times that decisions were not ideal, I could have allowed her the understanding that she was transitioning into a complicated, newly blended family as well. Instead of pining over the top position, step-moms should be trying to understand that the real-moms are undergoing similar difficulties. In fact, some of her struggles may have been more difficult. I can't imagine the anguish she must have felt when Eliza would mix up "Mom" and "Michelle." As a real-mom, knowing that someone else is spending more time with your child than you cannot be easy. Far worse would be the moment you realize she views that "step-mom" as another mom. It was difficult for me to be incessantly compared to Brigitta. Again, I failed to consider that she was also being compared.


With all of these difficulties there are legal difficulties, there are questions of changing living arrangements, methods of disciplining, and other endless concerns. Many of these decisions, if not all, were difficult to sort out in the beginning. For a while, I dreamed of moving far away, away from her… far enough away that we could have our "own" lives. Then, things changed. They changed slowly, but looking back it seems to be almost overnight. I began to respect her… One day, we sat down for coffee. I explained some concerns I was having at the time. I was surprised to find that she was very pleasant and discussed the situation honestly and openly. From there, I began to let go of that consuming jealousy. I still find myself comparing myself to some of her accomplishments or attributes, but I loosened my grip of the jealousy of her relationship with Eliza. I began to appreciate what she has gone through as a mother. I was able to respect her decisions and opinions fully. I no longer felt weighed down by anger.


Similarly, I think that Brigitta underwent some changes. As time went on I think we both matured in respect to how we viewed each other. I hope that I am not wrong in saying so. It just seems that we both became accustomed to our new family, in its entirety. In fact, I think we both began to appreciate and care for each other.


I could write about the development of our complex blended family endlessly. The major point here is: although it has been difficult, we did it. I realize I have just some of my family and close friends reading my blog, but just on the chance that some step-mom out there might stumble upon this…. We did it. So can you. Don't waste your life feeling angry and competitive. Don't throw things onto your blog that you'll wish you could take back. Use your family and friends for support, and get on with your life. Vent, but remember that eventually you might feel hypocritical for any judgments you cast. Try to find empathy for your counter-mom. She just might do the same for you. She brought that beautiful child to life, and no matter how many reasons you believe you have to be angry and even combative, nothing changes that. As the mom she deserves more. As the step-mom, so do you. Create a bond. Find reasons to love her. She will be in your life forever.