on a lighter note...

I lit the house on fire. So I exaggerate, not the entire house... just a pan on the stove. That's how good of a barefoot housewife I am. I was heating up oil in a frying pan so that I could quick-fry some corn tortillas for yummy tostadas. I went upstairs to talk to Eliza and left it on the stove, on high. Bad choice. Joe came up to tell me that something was smoking in the kitchen. I took another sec. to finish my sentence with Eliza, walked downstairs, and found flames coming up out of the splash screen on top of the pan. I screamed "Joe! Joe! Joe! Joe!" until he came back into the kitchen and took the pan outside, threw it onto the grass, requested baking soda (quite calmly) and put out the fire. I did receive some hell for this stint. Jessica just said, "Let's be honest here, you don't leave oil on the stove and then leave the room." My response: "That's what he said."

a couple of drinks later...

I am a mother. But only sort of. I feel that I am completely a mom. But I'm not. There is a real mother who is beautiful... inside and out. I feel jealousy. I feel love for her. I feel so much of both I cry. She brought me this beautiful girl. She has a love and connection with her I will never know. One that I may only understand when I have my own child. I pretend that she is my own. I wish I could have held her as a baby. I wish I could erase the jealousy and just feel love for her mom. I wish sometimes I was as beautiful as she is. I wish I could run a marathon. Most of all, I wish I were Eliza's mother. I wish I could be just her step-mom without wishing for more. But really, I just want Eliza to be happy. She could never be happy if she didn't have her beautiful Mom. Without knowing that her real Mom loves her and will always fill that special role. I know Miss Eliza loves me. I know I enrich her life. I know I'm a good mother. I know I'm beautiful. It's just that I'm not quite enough, somehow. It's just that I wish I wasn't taking her away. It's just that I wish I wasn't always referred to as the "step-mom," because I do so much more than that. I wish Eliza wasn't so torn. So happy to be with us. So at home. So stablized. So... my little girl. But actually not. Really always missing her mom. Always someone else's little girl. I console myself with how much I provide for her, how I've been with her more than her real mom for the past 4 years, how this move will help her grow and provide stability and consistency... But, I'll always wish I could give her everything. I'll always wish.

babe-a-licious

Next stop... Hollywood. Eliza is having one of her last sleep-overs in Utah with one of her best friends, Rachel, and her sister, Elle. They gave each other some seriously babe-a-licious make-overs. They offered to give me a make-over as well. Perhaps it is needed, but I decided to hold them off until morning before I shower. Nothing makes a mama quite as proud as some seriously skanky make-up.

movin' on up

If you couldn't tell by the last post, things have been a little stressful. Didn't have the best day yesterday. Today... we are movin' on up. I got to pick up my new Mazda3 hatchback. It's adorable. Fun to drive. Has automatic windows and locks!! Keyless entry!!! It's still a bit like a dream. While I was near Salt Lake I got to see my brother, Jake. Forget about any stresses or what-have-yous. We had a blast. We just went the Dodo Bird restaurant near his house and shared a couple of appetizers and drinks. I was so excited to just sit and talk with him that I was laughing like I was drunk before I had even a sip of wine. We talked over each other and failed to finish one entire topic of conversation. It was absolutely lovely. And to top this lovely day, Joe surprised me with this laptop, that you can't see but I am looking at and typing on right now. It's my graduation gift from Jackie (my mother-in-law), my grandparents, and Aunt Melisa and Uncle Dennis. UNBELIEVABLE DAY.

leaving on a jet plane

I wish we really were leaving on a freakin' jet plane. No... we have to DRIVE. To Florida. DRIVE!!! Thankfully, it will be in a new car. Courtesy of my generous and loving Dad. New car does not remedy "Are we there yet?" or "How much longer?" or when we respond with a total time for the day's travel, "Well how long have we been in the car so far, then?" Rather clever little girl.

I made an "I Spy" for the road, for which Eliza will tally how many of each item she sees. It includes such items as NY license plates, the letter Z, deer, rabbits... I wonder if she'll count roadkill deer and rabbits...

Since we are leaving in exactly one week... [EXACTLY. Except maybe not. Maybe 8 days. Damn moving companies and their estimates.] ....my friend Cristi planned a little surprise dinner at Indian Oven, which even Jessica got to come up for. Our friends Christine and Steve also planned a get-together at their family's cabin in Bear Lake. My friends kick ass. Bear Lake was kick ass. Seriously. Lots of ass kicking. Lots of margaritas. Lots of lake. Lots of love and laughter.

Since we are leaving in exactly one week... I am stressed out of my mind!!! The margaritas helped loads. Thanks Christine! The stress is back, however. I am not only ripping Brigitta's child away from her, I am tearing Eliza away from her Real Mom. I am starting a Master's program I could utterly and completely fail. I am putting all of our lives in the hands of... wait a sec. that's not right. I am destroying everything in one leap for mankind. That's not right either. WHAT AM I DOING?

letters

Miss Eliza,

It feels like you've been gone forever! Your Dad and I utterly miss you. More than I can even explain in a blog. I think I could only explain how much with a big "I miss you" hug. I can't wait for you to be home with us, but at the same time I am so happy that you are getting to spend so much time with your Mom before we move. You and your Mom both need this time together. It's going to be hard to miss her so much when we are gone. At the same time, it will be fun and exciting and nice to be at one home for the weeks and the weekends. I think this would be so hard to feel so sad and so excited at the same time. I feel that way a little bit too. I am getting more excited about the move and more sad about being farther away from my friends and family too. I think the vacations, holidays, and summers will come before you know it and then you will be missing us while you are with your Mom.

You are such a brave girl and I am so proud of you for being able to tell me about how you feel. I want you to always be able to do that. I want you to know it's o.k. to cry and be sad about moving away, even though you might still be excited and happy about it for other reasons. Your Mom is a wonderful Mom and beautiful woman and we will always help you to be close to her and spend as much time with her as you can. We love you baby.

i sold my car

Here I am as a very proud car salesman. Or saleswoman I suppose. See how accomplished I am in this picture? All grown up. The look says, "Mmmm Hmmm. That's Right."



I just posted it today. With pictures of all the dings, dents, and other deformities. This is a momentous occasion for me. The first car that has lived long enough to be sold. The two previous cars, were tragically run down by other drivers. No kidding. The first car was parked in front of my house and the second was u-turned into by a senile old man. This beauty has made it to another owner. It has a chance at a long and beautiful life. Well, not beautiful, but longish.

"you're horrible"

Being a Mom is an interesting thing. It's amazing and beautiful and I love my girl. The interesting comes in when you realize that this person looks at you like a grown-up. Enough italics yet? Seriously that is some strangeness going on there. When I met Eliza I was 23 and she was 4. I don't think the mom part sunk in for almost a year. Probably when she started calling me "Mom" on accident once in a while. Or, maybe earlier, when holding bowls for puking under her chin and washing her hair and little body in the tub. I felt a huge paradigm shift was when I was going to help with reading time in her 1st grade classroom and she assured me that her teacher and the students would think I was a "nice lady." LADY!! I actually took the time to explain to her that I am not a lady. She asked me what I was then and I told her I am a girl. She explained to me that I am not a girl. I had to concede there. I guess I am not a girl any more.

It is also quite fascinating to see your little girl become like you. When she was 4 she started saying "actually" and "although." Surprisingly, in the correct context or at least close enough. I was wondering where she got such words when I heard myself over-using them. She would say things such as, "I need a snack; although, I am not that hungry. Actually, I just need a treat." She started rolling her eyes dramatically around 5. Ask Joe where she got that. Once I asked her, "Can you roll them any bigger?" She replied "yes," while rolling her entire head along with her big rolling eyes. Most recently she said to my Mom, "You're Horrible!" This was accompanied with an impressive eye roll and sarcastic tone, after my mother said something she found to be way too silly. Since then I have heard her use this phrase on numerous occasions, always riddled with sarcasm. I wondered, of course, where she picked up such theatrical and sarcastic responses and suddenly became aware of how often I respond with "that's horrible!," or "you're horrible!" to ridiculous stories or situations. Like mother like daughter.

[picture was taken a couple of days before the wedding with my sister Dyan. I believe she also gained her love of margaritas from me.]

allergies and exercise.

These two topics could potentially be related. But they are not for all intents and purposes of this post. I am up at 5:00 in the morning because of allergies. I don't actually get up at 5:00 am to write on my blog. That would be pretty damn zealous.

Second topic. It has been called to my attention that I didn't follow-up on the running goal I set while Joe was gone. I was partially successful. That's the optimism in me. I also partially failed. The pessimism, in case you didn't catch that. I missed a couple of days. The first day I ran (and walked, but just a little) 7 miles. Sore legs and a total baby... didn't go the second day. The next day I missed daylight hours because I was cooking dinner for a friend. No, I am not dedicated enough to my health to wake up at 5:30 in the morning so that I can go running before work at 7:30. One of the days I am counting hiking as my exercise / running. So even more of a partial success or failure. Amazingly I am not discouraged by my out-of-shapeness or my lack of determination. I felt good about the days I did go and will be going running tomorrow.

post script: Forgot to mention. Skydiving was a gift from Joe's Dad, Jeff, for graduation. I went with him and Joe's sister, Liz, who also just graduated. Pretty awesome gift.

post post script: Another follow-up. Those nightmares I had about not graduating even though I already graduated have been buried 6 feet under. I received my actual paper diploma in the mail! Now it is 5:14am and I am going to try to go back to bed.

it's a bird... it's a plane...

it's Michelle! I was a superhero. For about 7 minutes while I fell from the sky. I put my toes over the edge of the open door in the plane and we jumped from 13,000 feet above the ground. It's more of a falling out of the plane, actually. You rock with the tandem instructor-- forward, back, and forward out of the plane. Free-fall lasts for 60 seconds. I wish I could adequately describe the experience. It was absolutely breathtaking... literally. Right after we were out of the plane and falling, I was caught breathless by the surreal nature of it all. I could scarcely believe I was falling through the sky. Then I screamed and laughed, just because that's what you're supposed to do after you jump out of an airplane. I couldn't believe I wasn't afraid. I was truly enjoying the moment. We spun around a few different times during the free-fall. When he pulled the chute I couldn't believe that thrilling fall was over. He kept us in the air longer than any of the other tandem jumpers. I know this because I jumped 2nd and landed 2nd to last out of maybe 6 pairs of people. We soared back and forth through the sky before landing.

lonesome

Joe is out of town-- for an entire week. This is not fun for me because in the evening I wander aimlessly wondering what to do with myself. I no longer know what to eat or when to go to bed. How am I supposed to fall asleep with half of the bed completely empty? I already know the answer to this. I have to sleep on his side of the bed on his pillows so that it's no longer an empty spot. It doesn't actually help, but I think that it does. If that makes any sort of sense.

To make this week worthwhile there are 2 major goals: to run every day but Friday (too crazy of a day), and organize and pack (some of) our apartment.

I'll let you know how this goes. I will be expecting loads of berating if I do not fulfill these very important goals. If I don't hold this expectation I am quite positive I will not care to do either.

before and after

If you remember, I posted the "alive" picture not long after I had planted it. Now, we have the "dead" picture. Although, I am hoping that it is almost dead. I re-potted it into a bigger pot with a hole in the bottom for drainage and accidentally left it outside, in the sun, all day. Twice. If you look closely, the little stem on the left is still green! Maybe there is reason to hope.

Happy Endings:

This is my cherry tomato plant. It is thriving!! You can't see in the picture, but there are 2 tomatoes that are turning orange and 2 more that are itty bitty and green and even more blossoms coming. I now have reason to believe that I do not kill all plants!

my brown baby

I'm not having a brown baby. Or any baby. Eliza is my brown baby. She gets so dark in the summer. Right now she is camping and hiking with her Mom and John in Escalante and will come back totally brown. She is beautiful. I miss her. I finally finished scanning in the pictures he mom lent me 2 years ago. I can't help but wish I had known Eliza Jane as a baby and toddler. It is so fun to look at these pictures and see the same personality in such a tiny body. She can be quite serious and we love these wild and carefree moments that have been captured on film.


Here she is at around 2 and 4 being her silly and carefree self.

ball and chain

It's been a while since I have posted anything. Not for lack of anything happening, but for lack of knowing what to say. Plenty has happened. My little sister, Amy, has gotten engaged. If you can feel my heart sinking you would know it is because she was engaged a few days before she turned 19. The phrase 'barely legal' comes to mind. If you haven't already heard all of my freak-outs I will spare you. I am no longer losing my mind about it. Not that I agree with the situation, but I have kept my head attached to my neck. I went down to look at wedding dresses with Amy, Kelli, and my mom. The excitement and happiness Amy was exuding was undeniable. She found her dress. It is simultaneously disagreeable to me and breathtaking to see her in a wedding dress. She is so beautiful and so happy. So, although my cynicism will not fully dissipate, I have become happy for her current happiness and hope beyond all hope that they are always blissfully happy.