blank stare

i'm in class. with a blank stare. i usually love this class (neuropsych). i have nothing to say, no questions to ask. I DON'T CARE.

i don't care about any of this right now. why do we care about things? why does life seem so, well, o.k. most of the time? why?... when so many people die and leave their loved ones to grieve? why?... when so many people have incomprehensible experiences?

he's talking about the activity of serotonergic neurons in the raphe nucleus and effects on behavior. I SHOULD CARE.

my good friend's mom died this morning after struggling for the past 4-or so months with her 5th reemergence of breast cancer. i want to do something to help. i want to drive down to miami and hug her and tell her that it's o.k. to fall apart. that no one expects her to pick herself up right away. i want to make sure she knows that we are here for her. but is that selfish? she's in miami with her family. with her life long friends. grieving. mourning. we're just her graduate school friends. we've known her for 7 1/2 mo. we would be an intrusion. or would we? would it add comfort or would she feel put out?

i was angry when people who didn't know my sister wanted to try to comfort me. i was not comforted. i did not want flowers. i wanted to dig a hole and stay there for a while. which i sort of did. i wore her jogging pants and stayed in my house for about 3 weeks. i shut myself off. and i believe i was better off for that. i contacted people when i was ready to do so. i was touched by everyone who cared. i felt blessed that so many people came to her services and showed their support, but i did not want my day-to-day friends who didn't know me in the context of my family. i wanted my family. i wanted my husband. I WANTED MY SISTER.

i'm thinking a card and a small donation to a breast cancer society will suffice. i want so badly to take this pain and sense of loss awy from her. but i can't. no one can.