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I love my dad. (and you too, Mom)

I mean, he taught me to put the toilet paper roll on the proper way. If you don't know which way that is, it is when the loose sheet hangs down in the front of the roll, opposed to the back. This way you do not have to reach and try to find the loose end. It is always, conveniently, appropriately, right in front of your face.

He taught me *try* to not worry about too many little things. I remember kneeling at my bed- trying to think about enough things to pray long enough- and then looking over at him to see if he was still praying about important things. If he didn't look finished I would think of more things to pray for (I was little, it was usually for things). Sometimes I would discover an important, urgent, mystery of life. Like, when we die do we get to (fill in the blank). His answer was often this: If you don't know you just put your question away, into a little treasure box. Then, when you get to Heaven you can ask your Heavenly Father. This was always comforting. Reassuring. Even if my perfect dad didn't have an answer to a question someone out there did!

I still worry about too many exacerbating and often ridiculous things throughout my day. I mean when am I going to find the time to organize the fridge? because it is not organized... well enough... right now. and that matters. to me. I created a bar graph instead of a line graph for a client. Is my professor disappointed in me? What if he talks to my old supervisor and tells him that I made a bar graph, not a line graph? What will happen to the world?! I worry about wearing the right outfit. I'm almost 28. Why do I care about the right outfit? I don't know, but sometimes I still change my clothes countless times before leaving (late) to a meeting or class or client session...

But, he has taught me to make a list. Tackle one thing at a time. Try not to perseverate on things that really are quite inconsequential. Focus on the important things. Cherish the beautiful moments. Find time to run a few miles, just for me and my sanity.

I may not tuck questions into a treasure chest for a Heavenly Father- but I do set the unknowns aside and recognize that it is o.k. I am o.k. I am o.k. I am o.k.

I was talking to him on the phone. I was tired and stressed. Full of angst. I just finished a research session with absolutely no results. I was feeling inadequate. a disappointment. I used to be a B student. I am now an A student in a Master's program. Now, I am on the verge of a B in physiological psychology due to spreading myself too thin. I am not achieving what I should. Even though I know my professors are still impressed, my husband, my dad, my mom, my friends are proud. I should do MORE. MORE ALL OF THE TIME.

He told me he had been crying because he was looking at pictures of Kristen. I do the same. I put away the pictures for a time. Then, when I feel brave, I look at the pictures all at once. and I cry. I cry, and cry, and cry. Sometimes it's a sob. Bordering on tantrum. IT'S NOT FAIR.

He was crying because he misses her. and us. I miss them too.

Then, he said something that made me stop- and think. I often stop to not think. He said that I almost know how he feels. I almost know how much he loves me, because I love Eliza. That I will fully understand when I have my own.

I think he's right. I can't imagine the love that parents feel. She's my step-daughter and I love her with my entire being. I love her so much it aches sometimes. I feel like I will never be normal again because of the fear and anxiety I have watching her grow up. Because of the joy I feel when she smiles or laughs or writes "mom" on a note to me. ME. her step-mom. To think that when Joe and I have our own children it will be more than this is unthinkable. but probably true.

It makes me miss my mom and dad. Instills refreshed gratitude to them for raising me. For struggling through my stubbornness and frequent silence and lack of gratitude. It reminds me how special Brigitta is to Eliza and how I will never fully understand what Eliza is to her. Even though I love her. Even though I care for her. Even though she is everything to me.