a running theme

Hating my life is becoming a constant. [see here and here]

Today I got home and said something along the lines of I hate my life.

What is that, the 3rd time in the past week that those exact words have just tumbled out of my mouth? My jaw drops and the words literally fall out onto the floor for someone else to pick up and stare blankly at. I mean, what is anyone supposed to say in response to that?

Here are some options (none of which are recommended):
-Get help.
-You need therapy.
-Take your pills.
-Does that mean you hate us too?
-It can't be that bad...
-Get over it. You say this every day.
----

The thing is, I could come up with more imaginary responses, and none of them would make me feel better.

The thing is: I DON'T ACTUALLY HATE MY LIFE.

So, why do I keep finding myself saying this? Stumbling upon the desire to be an ostrich so that I can bury my head in a hole in the ground? Being overcome with the desire to drop it all and sleep for the rest of the day instead?

It's like vomit. It's uncontrollable. The lurching feeling in the stomach and throat- trying to keep it down... but suddenly, the words have splayed from my mouth and I want to gather them up and swallow them, take them back, but that is just GROSS. Suddenly, there are the words. Out there- filled with chunks of the disgust I've felt during the day- just sitting there for Joe to look at and try to pick out what it is composed of. WHAT DID I EAT TODAY?


Well, here is what I ate today, the chunks--- I had to wake up at 5:15 am. Let me repeat that: 5:15 AM. I had to drive for 2 hrs and 50 min to some small town past Orlando for an HR generic training that is required before I can start my new practicum position. Tolls. I'm 5 min late. I was told to not, for any reason, be late. I'm bored. stiff. I already know about human rights in relation to developmental disabilities. We are there to protect and serve blah blah blah. Important, but really, how many times do I have to receive the SAME training? I get an email from my professor-- advice on how to be more professional and ethical. I should have asked to miss class, instead of just telling him, because he would have told me to not miss. I HAD NO CHOICE. This ridiculous training was mandatory. This job is required for my Master's degree. Give me a break. I leave, drive with droopy eyes for close to 2 hours. Tolls. Drop the only change I have all over the road at one of the "Exact Coin" tolls (I'll be getting a ticket in the mail). Miss my exit. Get stuck in traffic- solely because I missed my exit. Get home. I am sure that starting the period today did not help.

"I hate my life. [awkward pause] I mean... not you and Eliza, but everything in the realm of school."

How does Joe take this. I wonder about this. I mean, it's definitely not a nice thing to say. It's selfish. He and Eliza are part of my life. I want them to be the only things in my life.

The semester ends next week. I can make it. Then breath. I'll be holding my breath until then, so I can cope with disappointed professors, demanding schedules, dramatic friends, and everything else. At least I have Joe, who holds my pieces together. At least I have Eliza to read bedtime stories with.

This will be somewhat simplified in another week.
Then- I will breath deep, enjoy Joe and Eliza, and wait for it to begin again.