scared.

Free from familial responsibility. Alone. Unfettered by needing to make a nice, complete dinner, bybedtime schedules and other restraints. Or so I thought. I knew that Eliza being with her Mom would be hard. I knew that I would miss Joe while he was visiting... but I thought it would still be a respite from the stresses related to being a wife and step-mom. I would be better able to focus, really focus, undisturbed, on my school work.

NOT SO. Turns out... I really love my family. My husband, Joe, and step-daughter, Eliza. I love them. I miss them. It aches.

I've always thought that I was self-sufficient, confident, independent. I'm scared. I can't do anything without them here. I have come to realize that the biggest motivation that I have for getting out of bed is to see them. The reason I make dinner is so that they eat well. I move my shoes out of the entryway to avoid Joe's annoyance. Since they have been gone, I can't seem to find anything to do. I have no reason to clean, to pick up, to make meals. Why make meals for just me? I'll just snack on crackers and cheese, right? I'll leave the shoes until I am tripping over them. Until, I cannot stand the mess any longer and I realize... I have to do SOMETHING because of ME.

Today and yesterday, I exercised. WOOT! That's right, I exercised. I ate decent meals. Today, I even cleaned a bit. Not a lot. a bit. but, a bit nonetheless.

Now, it's just on to homework. Writing this thesis. There are things I have to do for me. For school. For others outside Joe and Eliza. It's hard to remember that. Since they've left I've had a really difficult time working on anything relating to school.

So here goes. On to my homework and ME.

It's funny, because it seems that when Joe and Eliza are here I do not do enough for them. It is always about me. About me, but I still never get anything for me done. SO, I don't do anything for them, or me. I don't do anything.

I'll keep you updated. If I manage to accomplish anything... I'll let you know.