ho-hum

Why am I so blase? So uncaring and hard-pressed to smile?

This is a little, or quite, dramatic.

When my day is scheduled out for me I am productive and efficient. I am successful and good at what I do. I am happy. I get home from work and I am more than content, I am happy.

When I have an unscheduled day, an unscheduled evening, or even an unscheduled hour-- I am lost. I am, well, worthless. This could be construed as dramatic, yet again, but it's true. I had 1 hour today, during which, I was to go to a cafe so that I could complete work- work that was due later today. I parked my car and slept.

I have due dates for too many tasks. Thesis sections. Research. Emails. Grade posting. Client updates and programming. Research visits and assignments. and on and on and on. With due dates. Dates that are checked on weekly.

I have time to work on these specific tasks on my to do list. I make it to scheduled meetings and classes and report that each of these tasks is "in progress." A partial lie.

That's all for today. I don't have much to write about without my Eliza girl around.

scared.

Free from familial responsibility. Alone. Unfettered by needing to make a nice, complete dinner, bybedtime schedules and other restraints. Or so I thought. I knew that Eliza being with her Mom would be hard. I knew that I would miss Joe while he was visiting... but I thought it would still be a respite from the stresses related to being a wife and step-mom. I would be better able to focus, really focus, undisturbed, on my school work.

NOT SO. Turns out... I really love my family. My husband, Joe, and step-daughter, Eliza. I love them. I miss them. It aches.

I've always thought that I was self-sufficient, confident, independent. I'm scared. I can't do anything without them here. I have come to realize that the biggest motivation that I have for getting out of bed is to see them. The reason I make dinner is so that they eat well. I move my shoes out of the entryway to avoid Joe's annoyance. Since they have been gone, I can't seem to find anything to do. I have no reason to clean, to pick up, to make meals. Why make meals for just me? I'll just snack on crackers and cheese, right? I'll leave the shoes until I am tripping over them. Until, I cannot stand the mess any longer and I realize... I have to do SOMETHING because of ME.

Today and yesterday, I exercised. WOOT! That's right, I exercised. I ate decent meals. Today, I even cleaned a bit. Not a lot. a bit. but, a bit nonetheless.

Now, it's just on to homework. Writing this thesis. There are things I have to do for me. For school. For others outside Joe and Eliza. It's hard to remember that. Since they've left I've had a really difficult time working on anything relating to school.

So here goes. On to my homework and ME.

It's funny, because it seems that when Joe and Eliza are here I do not do enough for them. It is always about me. About me, but I still never get anything for me done. SO, I don't do anything for them, or me. I don't do anything.

I'll keep you updated. If I manage to accomplish anything... I'll let you know.

not gonna lie. it's been difficult.

The night before Eliza left to be with her Mom for the summer, we were re-packing her suitcases. She had decided she should pack every piece of clothing with her. I applaud her on her discretion when choosing which stuffed animals and toys and books to take, but the CLOTHES... She had packed tights. WINTER TIGHTS. (that she hasn't worn for years). She had packed at least 8 different pajamas. She had packed pants that do not fit. Pants and shirts she HATES to wear.

"Why are you taking these jeans... I've never seen you wear them??"
"My Mom will tell me to wear them."
"Eliza, don't pack things you HATE to wear. No one will be able to make you wear them."
"Okay." (with a grin)

"Why are you taking this sweater? I haven't seen you wear it for years??"
"I don't know."
(Tossed aside.)

"Does this tank top even fit you? It's a size 4!!"
"Nope."
(Tossed aside.)

"Are you going to wear these socks? Aren't they 'scratchy??'"
(Tossed aside.)

This continued until we went from 2 suitcases of clothes to 1 with clothes and 1 with WebKinz.

We packed a couple pictures of her and Joe and me. Some books. More WebKinz...

She started to get pouty and quiet. I know what this means. Something in that head is whirring.

She started to cry.

"Eliza? Can I read to you tonight? I love to do that."

"Yeah."

"We spend too much time being sad. You SHOULD be excited to go see your Mom. Don't be sad about missing me yet. Wait until you miss me, then we'll talk."

"Of course I don't miss you yet... You're Right Here."

We read, and I laid with her, brushing my hand on her face, until she fell asleep. I already missed her. This hurts.

today

my mind is blank. like a slate. but it is refusing to let me write on it.
i feel like i have things to say, but don't know what to type.
there is something blocking my emotions.
i feel a little empty.
but completely full and overflowing.
it doesn't make sense.
here goes:
i'm sitting here feeling alone. bored.
yet i am overwhelmed and frozen by the number of tasks i have yet to begin.
i feel empty. flat.
but filled with appreciation for my work.
i am complete each time i get a child to learn. to laugh. to enjoy life.

figure that one out.

manly.

We ate steak. That's it. No salads, no potatoes, no nothin': Just Steak.

--Joe's update on his trip, visiting old friends.


[I told Joe what I put on this post and he said, And Pendleton and Molson Canadian. We went to the liquor store. Well, thanks for the new update, because I have been very concerned that I may not have married a Man's Man.]

not eating

It's been a while. For a lot of things, but I'm referring to my blogging. I've been busy. So busy I hardly got to spend time with my Eliza girl before she took off to Utah. First, I went home. Which, I did blog about. Then, less than a week later I went to Phoenix for an Applied Behavior Analysis Conference. That is a big deal. Then, I tried to play catch up. And by the looks of my desk (see below), family room, bedroom, and kitchen, it seems I have failed. Utterly failed. Do NOT let that fool you! I am still in the PROCESS of catching up! (with school and work and home and research AND LIFE)

But today, I post randomly and purposelessly about NOT EATING. This has been an issue in the distant, very distant past. In conjunction with over-exercising, which is currently the opposite problem of NO exercising. Well, today I have been reminded of why I was never really all that successful at not eating. Not only do I love my body, BUT IT TOTALLY SUCKS. I am starving and shaking and every time they make me fast to get my blood drawn I whine and cry and eat up until the last minute possible without breaking the 10 hr rule, sometimes a few minutes after. Today, I was just too busy. I barely had time for a bagel with yummy fattening cream cheese on the way to a research family visit. Now I am home and waiting to go pick up my sushi and I AM SO HUNGRY I WANT TO DIE. I found myself thinking, no wonder that eating problem thing never really panned out. Now, I end this drivel of a post to go stuff my face :)